My journal regarding this picture is here.
The picture is made by the wonderful Soltian.
I’ve grown up on South Park, but never really loved it so much until like, a year ago.
And here is my reaction to this picture.
It is a huge vent, so I advise to hold off on deep, depressing stuff and not read this.
So this picture kind of spoke to me.
Having been a pretty depressing person who constantly cries for help, I figured I would add in the fundamentals and my interactions to break each one.
1. Don’t Lose Hope.
You’re 16. You come home from school one day to find out from your father that he is terminally ill. A year goes by. It is nothing but pain and suffering. It is complete torment. Only to find out nothing worked, not even a prayer.
I was once a religious woman.
But no word to God would have saved my Dad.
During his sickness, I gave hope. I stopped believing in a God.
He was the last person in my family who actually showed me that he loved me, cared for me, and fought for me.
Mom is a complete nutjob. She reminds you every day that you’re good for nothing. She teaches her own grandchildren to disrespect you. Your nephew calls you a piece of shit. Your nephew tells you to shut up. He’s only eight. You scold him, telling him that it is disrespectful. The madwoman chimes in and says you have no right to tell him how to respect people.
She tells you that you will never get married. You will never have a family.
Your whole family treats you like you don’t deserve a family.
Your own aunt tells you that she knows that you’re unappreciated. Your own aunt has taken the initiative to make you feel apart of her family. But your own mother, your own siblings, or even nephews and nieces, don’t give a shit who you are.
You’re a piece of shit.
You’re a loser.
I lost hope in believing there is a family.
I lost hope in believing I could find love.
I lost hope in believing I could start a family of my own.
Your siblings and mother remind you every day that due to your excess amount of student debt that you’re going to be there forever.
You’re going to be with the same person.
The one who treats you like you’re nothing.
The one who says you’re worthless.
The one who says you’re a loser.
I lost hope in happiness.
2. Don’t Get Sick.
This one is funny. Every day is sickness. Obesity, allergies, intolerance, cysts, the problems increase day after day. You struggle to move on with life with the worst sickness of them all.
You are unable to fight it.
You let sickness come over you.
You always have a sickness going on. You’re always puking. You’re always having stomach issues. You always complain about being ill.
But none can kill you.
You are mentally sick. You cannot be around other people due to anxiety. You cannot live your life because you’re reminded of who you are.
And that weight brings you down day by day.
You can’t get out of bed. It’s a struggle.
You can’t focus.
You can’t eat, sleep, think.
You’re just in eternal anguish.
The tunnel doesn’t have a light.
3. Don’t Fall in Love.
You stay strong for someone. You know you’ll never be with them.
You never had luck.
You never have luck with anyone.
And for those who do love you, you can’t love back because you’re afraid of getting hurt again.
And you’re hurting as is because you love someone else.
You feel like love isn’t a luxury meant for you.
You’re afraid to fall in love.
And when you are in love, you’re afraid to fall out.
You’re afraid that the person you love doesn’t care.
You think he doesn’t care.
You know he doesn’t.
Every day you struggle to keep your distance.
You feel terrible and crazy just for wasting his time.
Because, you know, you feel like you’re worthless.
Refer back to 1.
You’re afraid he thinks the same of you.
You’re afraid he will hurt you.
You sometimes think he does.
Because he simply does not give a rat’s ass.
4. Don’t die.
Figuratively speaking, this can be violated in so many ways.
You lose hope. You’re sick. You are afraid of love.
Inside, you’re already dead.
You’re already a shell of darkness. Shallow. Lost.
You’re practically dead.
You lie in bed at night, only knowing that tears get you nowhere.
And when you realize, you feel empty.
You feel cold.
Physically speaking, you think of it every day.
You look at yourself.
You wonder how you’ve made it so far.
Every day you’re looking at that glass, as its component fills your head with a buzz. It doesn’t make you any happier.
But you drink it anyway. You think it will bring something, but it doesn’t.
You have pain killers in your purse.
You physically get migraines when you feel this way, even without the alcohol.
You think that pain killers will numb you. You think they will make you feel better.
Only to find that it doesn’t.
You know that pain killers and alcohol mixed is dangerous. But as each day goes by, it seems more inviting and comforting to accept the danger.
You know it will be painless but also slow. But you want to accept it.
Then again, you hesitate from day to day. Why?
Have you had a little bit of hope?
Have you been getting better?
Do you fear of hurting the person you love?
Every day struggles on. And then you feel hope. You feel better. You feel there is a way to find love.
And there is a bright light at the end of the tunnel.
There’s this road that goes on. It seems calm. Soothing. Comforting.
Only to find another dark tunnel at the end of that road.
You don’t know how long it will be, and if you will find your way out.
This is how depression is. This is my experiences from day to day. And you know, someone isn’t weak if they die. They aren’t weak if they are destructive. They’ve just had enough.
And there is a way to help.
I try to think that there is possibly help. It just feels like the right people to lead me out of the dark tunnel just don’t want to put in an effort.
And it is hard to find new people who could. If you care about someone so much you cannot let go, you can’t. If you’re physically in an environment where it’s just too harsh and too critical on you, you can’t escape it.
The only way people find an escape is through death.
And it is wrong, no doubt.
But i will agree: there is a breaking point. There is a time where people have had enough.
And I feel like through each session, through each term, that my breaking point gets closer and closer.
My message is, for my sake, is to help someone. You don’t know how much that person loves you, or cares about you. You could end up saving them with just that little bit of effort.
I’ve had a terrible week, so obviously I’m feeling pretty down at the moment. The picture provided in this journal just reminded me of the dark days. I don’t want them to come back, but of course, it sometimes cannot be avoided. “Taking it for what it is,” is definitely easier said than done.